Thursday, 16 July 2015

Is The Man Freeze A Victim Of Domestic Abuse?


I was reading the exclusive interview granted by On-Air Personality (OAP) of Cool FM, FREEZE about his accusations and I'm honestly not one to judge people on the demise of their relationships. I have said it over and over again. That the institution of marriage is so COMPLEX for our fickle minds and it's bewildering for me, when I see people who used to love each other so much...turn on each other. But hang on, these things don't come from no where. It stems from somewhere deep. So, why am I so interested in this piece of gossip? Its certainly not because I belong to that group of people who don't mind their freakin' business...actually, I'm almost done scripting my musical for a film on domestic violence with men as the victims and I have been quietly sourcing collaboration and funds to film it. I remember talking to my good director friend, John Njamah, last year at the foundation stage and I even approached a few of my brilliant colleagues whom I intend to cast in it. So fast forward to the gist in that Interview. Ehen!

It's not even the content of the Interview that is my focus or the contradictions, some supposed 'superb minds' claim exists... or the part where people say he shouldn't air his DIRTY laundry in public. Okay, if you are up for using the carpet to cover up your pile of dirt...COOL...but be sure that one day it will spill. If you don't EXPOSE it yourself and take the trash out. One day a visitor will help you expose it and embarrass you completely, in the process of offering to take it out on your behalf... just because it STINKS. In other words....I am all for EXPRESSION....I am all for exorcism of one's personal DEMONS. if it will help the person receive closure and feel free.

It wasn't as much as the issues, as it was the battery of JUDGEMENTS and comments on popular news or gossip blogs that tired me out. Reminds me of the conversation I had on radio just last weekend as one of the guests on Whisper's Talk Panel on Rainbow FM (where I shared my views about cyber bullying and social media cat fights). Now looking at this case...with majority insisting his story had holes and he was a pathological liar. In fact 98% of the commentators (mostly women) stood firmly with his wife. And to be honest, that in my opinion is why ABUSE on male victims exist and THRIVE... because no one stands with them. No one believes them.

Before I continue, let me state here that I do not claim to know what happened, I wasn't there and I am not taking sides...because there are two sides to every story. I'm only speaking based on the EVIDENCE that has been presented so far and what my inner mind perceives. Especially since I know what it actually feels like to experience some form of domestic VIOLENCE.

I'll be honest, I also read her public statement and while a lot of people praised it for her MATURITY (Oh I thought it was great as well), still I found it rather odd that it really said NOTHING. Nothing 'concrete' in her defence to address, if not vindicate herself from his accusations except stylishly turn things back at him. (Which is a strategy that worked pretty well) because people always stand with the perceived under-dog and go straight for the attacker. As long as she's saying nothing and he's saying EVERYTHING....it means she's right and he's wrong....But that's just a twisted way to view life. The fact that people focus so much on the obvious and ignore the not-so-obvious strikes me a lot....Why then, have we been blessed with a thinking mind? Or haven't we learned that the truth is BITTER...In fact, the TRUTH will not become a lie, even if no one believes it... and a LIE will not become the truth, even if everyone believes it. Yet I imagine myself publicly defamed or libelled like this before my children, Ehen...I'mma let the world know in that press statement that I intend to sue his sorry ass for all his wristwatches are worth...that's if I don't find it necessary myself to dance in a sweet melodious tet-a-tet with him. (Okay, I give her kudos for her restraint) But a prayer for his soul? Hian! Let's keep it real baby...Name the most virtuous woman in the bible? Even she will have some beautiful choice words for the Nigga mehn,...Leave that thing...This is 2015 AD were she alive today. Hahahah. Hmm...I reserve my comment o. And this is not to extricate Mr Freeze biko kwa, he is not in the least bit flawless... but neither are you, nor I.

Maybe, I tend to see things, beyond the surface. Now hang on a minute.... It probably was dumb for Freeze to mention her mother's relationship history and some other external factors. I mean, I didn't get that part...I would hate to think that someone will ASSUME my son will turn out a terrible husband or father because my first marriage didn't work. That's just plain DUMB...but then again...

1) I have done interviews many a times and I've been quoted to have said things I never did say or put in a CONTEXT that I actually didn't mean....in other words, skewing the meaning and the tone of the interview...and anyone constantly thrust in the PUBLIC eye will agree with me on that.

2) Does he need to 'emasculate' himself before the world to justify why he has moved on with another woman? No I don't think so....He won't be the first man to chase another woman's round buttocks...so I'm yet to find any reasonable justification for saying these hideous things...even if he is trying to seek ATTENTION as his haters claim...Trust me, there must be some better CREATIVE way to get on the lips of everyone. C'mon na...If people say FREEZE is the arrogant son of a gun they claim he his, then my guess is that he needs his EGO and perception to be intact always, Abi? No African man wants to be the bane of ridicule or be potrayed as been 'beat down' by a woman, any woman, even if it's their sister or mother. That he cries out here...we all need to find a tiny bit of COMPASSION and perhaps listen. Isn't there a wise saying...."No smoke without fire..."...(though some people are great at creating MAGIC).

3) This was his relationship, he lived that experience and to expect no form of bitterness or ANGER from him is rather silly. What I find weird is that people on the outside expect him to present his case with a clear 'dispassionate' approach, as well as in a thought out manner. Truth is that we can easily analyse it because we are neither of the parties involved. No one presents a case with objectivity, everyone is SUBJECTIVE, including Ope's press statement. That she didn't call him names or reel out a series of events doesn't hide the fact that she has said..."I have never been a Violent Adultress....He's only using this to dent my image and create an opening for his new family"....She has strategically said..."Hey, I'm the good guy, he is the bad one..." hahahah.

4) Abeg, I'm not his spokes-person but I believe, when he said I'm only coming out to say this because she started this. He's not referring to social media. We all assume, a problem starts as soon we the public, become aware. Do we have any idea how long they have been fighting about this and who said what in private quarters? And I'll quote him from the tabloid...YES MAGAZINE, which initially broke the story of their marital issues last year in 2014...And this is what they claimed he said... "You called to ask about the challenges in my marriage? Do you have work? Common!” When reminded that by calling him, we were doing our work, and professionally too, he said: “Why can’t you talk about national issues? I think you should concern yourself more as a fellow journalist on finding out where the girls are. That’s Bring Back Our Girls. Go and face that one. There is nothing wrong. Okay! Everything is okay. Alright! I don’t discuss my family as a matter of principle. Good or bad, I do not discuss my family. Thank you”. In fact reading some of the comments that had real personal information about his new woman, details of happenstances and several off-the-cuff comments in support of her. It isn't difficult to see it might be coming from close people associated to her, who may be privy to such information. Is it possible that she was maligning him before family, friends and colleagues? Is it possible he got tired of hearing....She said this...she said that...and decided to come all out for her? I'm not saying I'm right...Ha! Who understands these things? I'm just wondering though. Something must have prompted him to write that first tweet and shade her. After all, Men are human-beings too...with FEELINGS as well.

5) Whether their separation was 6 months ago, 5 years ago, 2 days ago or 10 years ago. The concept that it has been that long, so he shouldn't care is ludicrous. A person is free to WALLOW in hurt for as long as they are still somewhat attached and haven't received counselling or dealt with the issues. Even if they deny it, should that be something for us to castigate him?

6) We take photographs as impending evidence. So If he took pictures. Then it means it PROBABLY wasn't the first time it happened. He probably decided he needed to have evidence because no one in the family probably believed his earlier complaints. And let's be honest, it is still a bizarre phenomenon especially for Africans to accept that 40% of Victims of Domestic Violence/Abuse are actually Men. We laugh at them, MOCK them for being WEAK or even turn it around on them and make them out to look like the real abusers. I didn't fail to notice some of the words he used to describe his feelings...Frustrated, Depressed and SUICIDE....and we still think he was joking or making it up? Maybe he was....or maybe he wasn't.

7) He made mention of his love for wrist-watches, I kept wondering if the so-called blog commentators who kept asking how that was part of the conversation really think....Duh!!! Where are your brains dammit??? He said it helped him de-focus from his problems and helped heal his depressive thoughts since he hated sports and couldn't partake based on his friends advice. I have written so many times, how my writing was THERAPY for me during my separation. People take up new adventures, new hobbies and new skills. He was using that to buttress the fact that he is getting better and moving on.What's so wrong with his love for collecting designer time pieces? At least now we have the back story as to how that really started. Fake or not. Lol.

8) As a seperated single mother who knows how hard it is to raise a child by herself...and what it feels like not to have my son's father in his life, I'm a bit weary that he wants to be involved in the lives of his children but she chooses to keep them away from him. That for me is a no, no... even though I refuse to judge because I don't have the details...still no matter what strains are between parents. The children should not be used as a tool to get back at the other. That for me is the real MATURITY...The understanding that you can both be separated, divorced and still be a compound family because something precious ties you too. A man and a woman can stop being lovers or husband or a wife...but they can never stop being parents to their children.

I have always spoken out in DEFENCE of women, and I always will...but we women also need to UNDERSTAND that we are here for all of us (INCLUDING the MEN)...and we'll not be who we are, without the existence of the men who love us and also support us... irrespective of our flaws and weaknesses.

I am learning to teach a concept called “Love is a Verb.” My definition of LOVE is caring about the other person’s experience as deeply as you care about your own – how they are feeling, how your actions are impacting them, and what you can do to ensure they feel safe, connected, and loved by you. This is active CONSIDERATION we all need to learn.

I am not saying Freeze was abused by his wife or that he's an angel. I'm not saying she is a terrible woman or that she doesn't have her valid reasons. (Even though I know so many terrible women do exist). Ever watched all those CRAZY women who kill on CRIME & INVESTIGATION Network? Aha! Lol. I'm just saying we all need to open our MINDS and focus our thoughts on the real issues here. Whatever character/situational issues went wrong, or the love lost between them, is their own personal issue to deal with...but if there was ever a case of ABUSE on either parties, then It is a cause for SOCIAL concern and I applaud whoever has the balls to step up and own up to being a VICTIM whether man or woman....That in itself takes a lot of COURAGE to do and more men should be encouraged to speak up instead of drowning their voices. Ahem!


P.S: Let's take this Conversation further and have some 'Real Talk' about "Men as Victims of Domestic Abuse" Live on my Internet Radio Show THE NAKED TALK w/ Alex Okoroji on Wednesday, 22 July 2015 @ 9pm (GMT) | 10PM (WAT). You can listen from anywhere in the world and Call in +1 (215) 383- 3766 to join the LIVE conversation.

 If you missed my live webinar and want to watch THE NAKED CHALLENGE 101 Webinar Video. Please click ACCESS to watch the video FREE for only a limited period of 48 hours after which, it goes up for $15 per Download.

Don't forget to call in and catch Talk Wednesday and Friday Radio Special' LIVE @ 9pm (GMT) on THE NAKED TALK Radio Show. Its always a stimulating conversation with my guests. .



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