Tuesday, 24 March 2015

It Is True I Don't Love Loudly

It is true the first few weeks of excitement has dwindled. I am no longer in AWE. I'm not flapping my wings, shaking my tail feather or swinging my panties in the air. I can look anyone straight in the eye in all of my NAKEDNESS and tell them I am NOT in love....and I wouldn't be lying. Had it been that I was though, I probably still be clutching dearly to all the SIGNS that will give me away because that's who I am. I just don't love loudly and it has me thinking about my father who comes off as a quiet man to those who don’t know him. Married to a woman – my mother – who oozes charisma and CHARM in any room full of strangers. My father is most comfortable being one of those people “behind the scenes,” even though his job will never let him. While my mom, being the wife of a highly respected PUBLIC figure, is comfortable being in his shadow even though I sense she will love to be the centre of ATTENTION. Hahahah. 

Now even though my dad is a calm collected man, his love, his affection, his PASSION is rather obvious; it’s LOUD. You can see it, hear it and most certainly FEEL it. My mother on the other hand is almost the exact opposite. And as a child, I didn’t understand the way she loved. I almost at some point thought she didn't love me when I started my holiday job running her fashion business at the age of 11 and working with her for fifteen good years. But even then, as her expectation grew of me, I started learning that she loved me more than she could put into words at the time, even though she rarely said "I love you Alex" like my father would at any given opportunity. Still she did love me very much, she just doesn’t love loudly. And little did I know, that I would grow up to love like my own mother. Kai!!! 

Vulnerability is still a WEAKNESS  for me but I think I’m getting better at it. I mean real vulnerability – not sending text messages at midnight to a love interest in a half-drunk state after gulping all the Vodka and Campari at my disposal. Or Tweet messaging my broken heart or whatever infantile substitutes this generation plugs in the name of love and affection. 

No, I think real vulnerability means there is no room to save face, (and many people still don't understand that part) that there is great possibility for HURT, for PAIN... but there is also great possibility and potential for something that could become genuine LOVE, that's if it isn’t already there. And some people do this QUITE loudly – they emphatically don’t subscribe to any of “the rules” or care to be the one “in power,” or even remotely mind being the one who CARES more, and TEXTS first, and all the other INSIGNIFICANT details we’ve made so grandeur. Yes, some people love to show off their emotions and it’s perfectly wonderful. But some people don’t. Err...People like me....Hahahah. And I pray for the day that some people will understand that I'm completely normal if only they looked deep enough to see what I'm guarding.

Had I not been wary of REJECTION and abuse of power....I almost believe I used to be jealous of people who loved to EXPRESS their feelings openly.... maybe secretly jealous, but bloody jealous all the same. Hence my new EFFORT at being expressive....maybe not always about my feelings but at least about my THOUGHTS. Yea!!! There is a difference.... And While a few close friends seemingly envied my detached demeanor as it came. For the rest, It often times comes, at a heavy PRICE to pay. Think about it.... No one would ever mistake me for someone who cares too much, even when I have; even when I did or while I still do. Because unlike those who love loudly, I don’t wear my EMOTIONS on my sleeve....and when I do, it's so freaking complex, that I give ALGEBRA a good scare....don't bother with the calculations, I'm that COMPLEX so they either NEVER believe what they see or I just confuse them while I do a great job confusing myself too in the process. Yep! Its that's hard baby. And even as I wrestle with this weakness that has become my vulnerability, I don’t know if I ever will be that person – the one who's tactile and loves to be kissed in public and doesn't mind the world knowing which crazy dude she's screwing every other night – and I don’t think I have to be.

I think the world is large enough for those who love loudly, those who do not, and those who belong somewhere in between. Because for those who don’t, we give love in the DEPTH of our affection, not in the 'frequency', abi what do you think? Our passion isn’t characterized by the volume in our voice when we’re fighting or yelling or crying; oh yes we do but sometimes we remain SILENT because that’s the only way in the 'moment' we know how to SHOW love. And we may not walk around advertising our emotions, not because they don’t exist, but because we believe they are SACRED enough, not to have to share them with just about anyone. But this doesn’t mean that our love is any less.

We love just as deeply, powerfully and passionately. Believe me, we do. Sometimes it’s a love you’ll find in those AWKWARD quiet glances, that mischievous smirk, the SHY grin, and those unnoticeable acts of KINDNESS. Sometimes it’s a love we can only EXPRESS with few words, softly muffled under breath; words that garner their strength from a foundation that is paradoxically both FRAGILE and yet FIRM. But mostly it’s a love that though isn't loud, is always ferocious, ready to bear anything and EVERYTHING for those who are 'lucky' enough to receive it, in a solitude that we offer to share. 

So never believe that a love that isn’t loud, is a love that isn’t there.... For those who don’t love loudly, We may not always say it, but we know that our love is as REAL as it gets. 



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Have A Terrific Tuesday Lovelies! Kisses!!!

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