Sunday, 1 February 2015

I've Got The Raw Feeling Of Hope

Last week, this blog officially clocked a year. And it dawned on me that it's been one year since I started my NAKED journey here. Stripped myself, and shared some of my most amazing thoughts and experiences with you.... whilst motivating you all to have a voice and EXPRESS who you really are in your most UNFILTERED revealing self.... I so badly wanted to write the 'bangiest' post (that's if there's even a word like that) but every time the thoughts crept in my mind....I couldn't find the zeal or the time to pen my thoughts. (I pray this isn't the case of the old wife's tale). So today I woke up trying to get the thoughts out of my head as usual.... but I'm feeling rather uncoordinated that I'm not even sure what to write....so here's a raw list of my thoughts.

#1. I was hoping I would write the perfect celebratory blog post today (Its a new month and I still haven't thanked my readers for sticking around my sorry arse for a year), but I don’t feel that WITTY, wise or even inspired. In fact, I feel… unmotivated, mentally exhausted and shut off. Like I'm being forced to swallow the coldest soggiest lies ever. Err....Yeah!

#2. I feel this constant PRESSURE to always be perfect, to always appear happy, to always have the right answers, to act cool, stay positive and be there for everyone else. But, wait a second, who's really there for me? *scratches head thinking*

#3. Sometimes I’m not perfect. Often times, I wish I were. But I know I'm not....And I know Perfection is a MYTH and no one scores a 100 in that zone. In this case, I don’t even know how to hold myself up there....even remotely close.

#4. I feel this expectation to write something hilarious, wise and life changing. Yup!!!

#5. “Life changing?! Wise? Hilarious?!! Hahaha....Yea! I know....I must really think highly of myself, to even think my writing was ever that significant in the first place. Or isn't it?

#6. Nowhere feels like home to me right now. Nowhere....not even that tiny sanctuary in my head where I let loose the damnest imageries and rascally thoughts. It feels like my cerebral cubicle has been invaded by political monsters. I simply can think of nothing else....At least for NOW!!! What a shame!

#7. I guess that’s a rather… cold and lonely feeling.

#8. Err...I’m even afraid to admit that I feel very lonely right now. And that I want more than just a BOO for one night. *shrugs

#9. I feel as if no one can ever understand me. How could they? I'm somewhat complex in the simplest of ways, that even I confuse myself sometimes. Seeeee.... I'm even confused right NOW!!! 

#10. I feel like no one would even WANT to understand me. Why should they? It will require more effort than the average intellectual is willing to make. Average....You dig? Hahahah.

#11. I really hate how my list is jumping all over the place– I feel like it should be more organised. Yea, err...Like organised chaos. Can you read me?

#12. I feel like I should be more organised. Kwakwakwa....I can even hear my friends laughing at the thought of that. Oh Shuucks! That's story for the gods.

#13. I feel like I should be writing better stuff than this. Perhaps something downright 'Raw and Unfiltered' that will send crazy chills to your spine....Haaa!!!! Or what do you feel?

#14. I feel like I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, dammit! There's no escaping that one. I show myself no MERCY.

#15. Sometimes it’s exhausting trying to write the perfect post.

#16. Exhausting....True, but no more than it was staying in a 7 year old dead-end-romance with Tiger and his unrequited love. Thank goodness I broke that jinx and left him for good. I'm finally FREE. Hehee.

#17. I’m afraid of losing this new found 'presence of mind' that I enjoy. I'm present, pay me no mind biko.

#18. I’m afraid to think maybe I’m already losing it. Ehn!!!! No o! Losing it ke. That's not true, I'm saner than ever.

#19. I’m afraid of letting people down. Oh well....I've accepted that I can't please everyone.

#20. I’m afraid of letting MYSELF down.

#21. Or that I'm not always going to be real or open. Or that my signature straight talk might sometimes chicken out for some compromise, at the cost of my own soul! God Forbid!!!

#22. I’m afraid of people questioning my intent and purpose....or even propose to compromise my intent.

#23. I’m afraid that one day this could turn into something I have to do instead of something I want to do. It has seemed so for the last month. Dang! This thought terrifies me…

#24. Not more than the thought of being single, old, frail and gray down there.....Hahahah. Naaaa....Don't want to be a SINGLE old maid. And I'm honestly not ready to have my pubic hair turn into gray. At least not yet. Lol.

#25. If this is my biggest fear, there must be something wrong with me. 

#26. I mean, I must be really weird for being so obsessed with the colour of my hairy cat down south….north or wherever the heck, the pussy cat is.

#27. If you can’t tell.... I have been feeling 'insecure' about a lot of things lately. A lot....And that includes dating all over again. I'm just worried that I've become so friggin wise it may scare the SHIT out of any mate.

#28. Other than that, I’m just feeling insecure mostly about… feeling INSECURE.

#29. And oh, maybe I’m afraid of FAILING, but I’m not sure what at.

#30. I’m just afraid that I can’t. Hian!!! [Can’t what??!]

#31. I’m pretty sure that this is the most uncoordinated blog post i've ever written.

#32. But for some strange reason, I’M FEELING SOOO MUCH BETTER ALREADY!

#33. In fact, I just realized that writing this list was actually REALLY soothing!

#34. And all of the sudden I am LAUGHING!

#35. At my silly self.... Because my thoughts are so damn ALL OVER the place! Don't even know if they are NAKED enough.

#36. You know what, though? It’s OKAY.

#37. And you know what? I am OKAY too.

#38. In fact, this very minute I am more than OKAY… I almost feel perfect.

#39. Yes! perfectly imperfect just the way I am in my completely exhausted uninspired uncoordinated consciousness.

#40. Ohhhh, Alex– you’re so bloody corny, but I love you gurl.

#41. Blog post, I kinda ♥ you, too. Hahahah.

#42. In fact, you might be THE BEST BLOG POST YET! Maybe, not the best. But you are definitely the REALEST. And perhaps even the WEIRDEST (but that one’s a toss-up)... how about I let you all decide?!

#43. So someone said to me two days ago, "I just don't get how an Amazing woman like you can stay single. Sometimes Alex, you may find love in places you've looked before. Look again. Properly this time."

#44) Well, I'm being BRAVE and looking around with keen eyes and no expectations. Though I get the craziest feeling of HOPE lurking around me.... because despite everything I experience, I've been rewired to stay positive.

#45) If you’re feeling brave too, don't be ashamed to be vulnerable and share your own honest UNFILTERED thoughts below in the comment box. I would love to know how you are feeling and what you are thinking this FEBRUARY. (There $100 cash giveaway up for grabs for the most vulnerable, compelling and honest thoughts). Its not easy to write a post nor is it easy to be open. but remember its okay to be NAKED and Your thoughts are always welcome here, just as YOU ARE. So go on and share your thoughts NOW!!! I've got your cash waiting. Always!!! ♥ ♥ ♥

P.S: HAPPY NEW MONTH SWEETKINS! and Congratulations to my ABC fam on our One Year Milestone. Yipeee!!! Without you, this blog will have no purpose....My Writings and Audios will have no real VALUE. Can't wait to share many more of my most revealing thoughts with you this year. I'm hopeful for deeper expression, more awareness and profound growth.

Have A Sweet Sunday Lovelies! Kisses!!!

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