Monday, 31 March 2014

All Solid Men Please Stand Up!

I was talking to my Aunt about my good friend who's getting married next month and how she finally found herself a SOLID man who is ready to be a husband to her and a father to her 9 year old daughter.

Naturally, my aunt wanted to know if I ever intend to follow the path my friend is taking...as in me, finding a great man as well for me and my son. (Oh Mehn, trust family to be all over your business...Hehehe.) Anyway, I said "YES". Ofcourse I would love to get married again, this time, for real and build an amazing family with whoever he'll be. But not until I find myself a SOLID MAN deserving of me.

And my Aunty Sandra asked..."My dear, what's your Idea of a Solid Man?..." Ha! Na wa...This woman sef. Lol.

Well, 2 weeks ago I wrote about "The Woman a real man wants and The Queen-Bitch he needs... But I'm yet to share What a good women wants in a man. So guys, its time to drop your egos and take few notes...Lol.

In the world today, society has managed to reduce MANHOOD to Wealth, Sex drive and Tons of Muscles...and whilst we love a nicely toned man, with super charged penis ready to plug and a loaded pocket, I know this is ridiculously far from my definition of TRUE masculinity. 

The truth is that good women are looking for so much more in a man than strong muscles and an over-active libido. Women are looking for more than fancy cars, athletic bodies, cute faces, dimples, height, skin colour and all the other meaningless things, society uses to define manhood and we pretend to fawn over.

So men, go ahead and temporarily ditch the free weights, the hot rods, and the testosterone pills, because if you’re really trying to catch a good fine woman today or re-ignite your woman's love - Here’s what she's really looking for:

#1) A Good Woman Wants A Solid Man Who Is Honest: 

More than any other trait, women are looking for a man who is open, honest and direct... Because HONESTY is a sign of SECURITY. It gives her the feeling that, what she sees... is what she gets and that he has absolutely nothing to hide. A secure man, need not tell fairy tales, play mind games or manipulate her. She wants a man who is straight forward and honest about his strengths, weaknesses, struggles, hopes, dreams, and fears. For a man who has nothing to hide becomes the SAFEST place, in which a woman can keep her heart. Now that’s a straight-up solid quality to me.

#2) A Good Woman Wants A Man Who Values More Than Just Her Looks:

Don't get me wrong, I personally love a little compliment now and again...But Hey! We women know there's always going to be someone sexier, prettier, and more successful out there. So when a man is solely fixated on our looks or our firm double Ds or Fat ass...And Every compliment from him is about, how we have sexier lips than Angelina Jolie or how we have the most beautiful pairs of mammary's he's ever seen, or how soft our rounded buttocks is? And never sees how we are able to magically solve ALGEBRA with our eyes closed. Abeg...that's when we wave...the red flag...Hahaha. A real man should also value a woman's personality, kindness, intelligence, generousity and who she is, as a character, in general. These are the things, that make us feel uniquely special but also reveals a man's intentions in the truest of ways.

#3) A Good Woman Wants A Solid Man Who Isn't Intimidated By Her Motivation:

Now let me share a little secret...I had thought marrying a man in the same creative industry as me was my 'guarantee' that I would never have to worry about a man being insecure over my career goals. Hian! Big Fat Lie!!! Hehehe... As soon as we got married, He wanted me to stop acting, hated the fact that I had goals, and ambition...and did everything possible to kill my career and slow down my drive (including making sure that I put on a lot of weight and re-located me away from my work base). Even though he met me as a Beautiful Working Actor.

Here's the thing, A Solid man who has goals for himself, will want to be with a woman who has goals for her own life, too. He will never feel intimidated or threatened by a woman who goes after what she wants. Infact, He will want to be half part of that POWER couple and will never try to keep his woman from pursuing her dreams. Think of successful women, who have long standing fulfilling marriages eg. Jada Pinkett Smith, Beyonce Knowles, Omotola Jalade Ekeinde, Omoni Oboli, Michelle Obama etc. They all have one thing in common...Solid men who are dedicated and committed to seeing them succeed.

#4) A Good Woman Wants A Solid Man Who Has More Interests Than Just Her:

I don't mean this in a negative way. A woman, of course, should be a priority in her man's life -- but he needs to have a life as well. Interests, friends, hobbies, aspirations et all. If a man works his entire life around a woman, now that's another red flag -- I mean, I've been there before with the same man who couldn't keep friends (which by the way shows a bit of a character disorder) or his own personal goals apart from his day job. I was his only OBSESSION (now imagine him calling me 25 times a day, monitoring my every move and suffocating me with his crazy idea of what love is) Now how can any woman live "Happily-Ever-Like-That?" The truth is that relationships should be a great part of your life, but (don't call to ask if she's still in the toilet 5 minutes after she told you she's doing the poop or cross examine who's voice you heard in the background or if she still loves you for the umpteenth time in one single day) Again, relationships should be a great part of your life, but it should not encompass your whole life.

#5) A Good Woman Wants A Solid Man Who Gives Her Answers;

Now women share their problems because they are usually seeking solution, opinion or advice. So no matter how awkward or uncomfortable a situation is, a solid man will approach that situation, and the woman, with respect. I have always felt that the SYMBOL of a solid man is how he handles CONFLICT, CRISIS, CRITICISM, and any less-than-ideal situation. Every good woman wants a man who will not run away from problems, skirt around challenges, dance with his answers or make silly excuses to avoid dealing or contributing to certain issues. If there is something they both NEED to talk about, he is man enough and willing to address it...to her satisfaction.

#6) A Good Woman Wants A Solid Man Who is Confident and Trusting.

As long as she hasn't betrayed his trust, no woman wants a man who is paranoid about her every move or intentions. She doesn't want a man who snoops around invading her privacy, just to make sure she is not doing something naughty. (Again, I remember how many times, my ex would make up a story just to frame me or see if he could trap me in a figment of his own imagination...Very stupid right?... but you can just imagine a confident woman like me living with an insecure man, who's daily goal was simply to frustrate me. Hahahah.) So, a woman wants a man who has confidence in her and their relationship. A man who understands that part of what comes with the territory of having a girlfriend/wife, is dealing with the fact that she will get admirers from time to time (even if she resemble baboon....Lol) If you're at a bar together, or if she's out with her friends, it goes without saying that your woman will get hit on every once in awhile...and oh, before you met her...Yes, she belonged to someone else just as you also did. That you know who she dated in the past is not an excuse to treat her like she's a suspect to a crime. Everyone has a past, including you sir.

So Instead of letting your primate instincts prevail like an angry gorilla, a confident man will calmly make his new position known, and understand that he's her PRESENT and she's still going home with him at the end of the night.

#7) A Good Woman Wants A Solid Man Who Is Strong:  There is nothing sexier than a man who exudes strength (Not the muscle-rippling-can-lift-ten-bags-of-cement-kind of strength...hehehe) but a strength of MIND, HEART, and SPIRIT. A strength that comes from a man who knows what he believes and stands firm for what is right. A strength in recognising RIGHT from WRONG, and admitting when he has given in to 'wrong'.  A strength that is confident enough to DO right, CHOOSE right, and BE right. 

In this day of compromise, good women are looking for a man who is strong enough to stand his ground by holding on to his values, his beliefs, and most importantly, His fear of God.

#8) A Good Woman Wants a Solid Man Who Is Humble And Shows Her Respect:

What raises a man up more than any other thing is his ability to humble himself. A solid man doesn’t need to talk up who he is, because his way of life speaks for him. (Forget the who you think you are, who you think you know and what you think you have achieved) I've always said that a man's CHARACTER should be his currency. He should put away the big talk, because a man of humility is focused so much more on his actions. He is quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry- because he’s put away his “rights” for the right to be selfless, loving, and full of grace whilst maintaining respect for himself and his woman...because nothing signifies an empty shell of a man more than an ARROGANT man who disrespects women, animals, or mistreats children. A solid man will treat a woman with the same level of respect that he deserves because he sees her EQUAL to himself and will never mistreat her or force her to do anything she's uncomfortable with,

#9) A Good Woman Wants A Solid Man Who is Compassionate: 

We can always recognize a solid man by taking a look at his HEART.  Does his heart move for the things that move others? Is he broken by the pain in his life? Is he moved by the weaknesses he’s working to overcome?  Is he affected when things are not as they should be in his life and relationships?  A solid man is one who allows his HEART to be moved, and then allows his ACTIONS to follow his heart. A man who strives for healing, restoration, and resolution. A man who strives to right the wrongs around him- and the wrongs WITHIN him. (I remember, a few days ago...I had been so ill while filming a movie and knew after I wrapped shoot for that night...I would not be able to drive all the way back as I was running serious fever and couldn't move my limbs. So I called a friend whom I felt loved me and lived in the area where we were filming and ofcourse asked for a favour which wasn't supposed to be such a big deal considering I had slept countless times at his...and ofcourse he gave me the big turn down, stating he was going out for an event...hmmm! Forgetting the number of times I had slept there alone or he had left his keys for me...Still he gave me the "I'm sorry, I'm going out later" and never bothered to even check up on me to make sure I was okay or at least sorted... until the next morning...An effort, I frankly considered pointless cos anything could have happened to me the previous night). I recognise that he's far too self absorbed and hardened to FEEL any compassion for my pain as a friend or for any woman at all, if it doesn't soothe his own personal interest.

Women are truly looking for men of compassion, tenderness, and love... because its only therein, that we will always find the 'heart' of a good SELFLESS man.

#10) A Good Woman Wants A Solid Man Who Is Stable:

Let's be honest. No woman wants to be tossed up and down or treated like she's a game of ping pong. No woman wants to deal with a man who is constantly changing businesses or career path, a man who is one leg in and out of their relationship. A man who can't define what he wants...or follow through on anything. A man who constantly changes his mind faster than lightning. Lol. No good woman wants a man who is easily distracted, manipulated or in a constant phase of confusion and imbalance whether its with his emotions, sex or his finances. A man who doesn't know what he wants, or when he does know, is rather gifted at sabotaging everything...Every good woman wants a solid man who is Mentally, Spiritually, Financially, Sexually and Emotionally Stable. A man who has FOCUS and a life plan that she can rely and depend on...or at best, work alongside with.

#11) A Good Woman Wants A Solid Man Who Will Put Effort Into Their Relationship:

A man doesn't have to be romantic, he doesn't have to be perfect...he only needs to be willing to put in a little extra effort. (I remember once again I put together a BIRTHDAY WISH-LIST inspired by my friend Nthenya's UNFINISHED BUSINESS project) which was really a list of 12 special romantic things I really wanted to do. I sent him the list...expecting a giggle, laughter and just some excitement at how spontaneous or crazy I was. Instead, all I got, was a cold terse reply "Really...All 12 of These?" Na wa o. You can just picture my sheer disappointment...Some of which cost little or nothing (How much is a pack of candles? Or an Old Classical CD...What would it cost to just go Window shopping and take silly camera photos...Drive down to a beach or the water side in Queen's drive, Share a bubble bath, do a little strip tease...Go sugar-high and share some ice cream or just do a little 2-step to our favourite Lurv Jams in his living room...I'm just saying...What would it really cost? Nothing more than Effort) So I jokingly asked "which one are you comfortable with?" Honestly, wondering if he was actually negotiating...then lost my excitement later and told him not to bother as there was no pressure. It could be done whenever. It was me just trying to spice up the atmosphere and build some special moments for us both...And to my Surprise, He actually dropped it and never once mentioned it again. (When a woman who doesn't give a hoot about sex from behind, bends over every friggin hour for her man...takes his fat cock in her mouth or cooks his steak medium rare even if she prefers it fully cooked, has to give up salt, lose some weight or tolerate his excesses...that's her truly making an effort to make him happy). Few men are willing to do the same unless its for their selfish benefit. But a solid man, will do whatever it takes to make his woman happy, both inside and outside of the bedroom because her happiness, is his REWARD.

This is exactly the kind of man I will allow to win my heart. While I can safely say that nobody is perfect including myself. No one needs to be perfect to be solid. A solid man is one who strives to uphold honesty, is compassionate, humble, strong and willing to put an effort in his relationship/marriage. It’s time for women to expect more from our men, and say no to the lies that are being poured into their minds. You are worth far more than that you know and Your masculinity is defined by so much more than you think- and that is what is truly ATTRACTIVE in the eyes of a good woman. So Ladies if I missed out anything, feel free to chip it in the comment box...If not... Its time for All Solid Men to please STAND UP!!

Have A Magnificent Monday Lovelies!

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