Wednesday, 19 February 2014

The Art Of Kissing!

I have noticed most of my babysitters a.k.a house keepers have something in common. Well, this new one Comfort is not any different. They all love to watch Africa Magic and I don't mean Africa Magic Entertainment (Ha! Heaven forbid that they should watch the channel for premium quality movies and series in Africa...No o, it has to be the one that features Aki n Paw-paw, Patience ozokwor or John okafor steering up trouble). Anyway, I walked in and saw her watching one of those channels that represent what I like to call the 'Old Nollywood'.

There it was, a kissing scene between Jim Iyke and Eucharia Anunobi...Oh Lord! This movie, I remember seeing it years back and it has forever hunted my imaginations. Once again I'm watching Jim 'tongue-lap' up Eucharia's face in what looks like a facial wipe to me in the name of KISSING. Hian! Okay, I admit those days were the humble beginning of what is now a highly celebrated career they both have...But I can't help thinking about that damn kiss...and please not in a flattering way. I can't help but imagine that some men actually do indeed swap buckets of saliva in your mouth, probably chew up your tongue or just give you the 'Jim-3-tone facial cleanser' as I'll like to call it now (Forgive me bro...Hahahah) Yep!

As a young teenage girl, my mother used to say, "if you kiss a man, you'll get pregnant" err...that's true figuratively...because a good kisser might leave you dropping your panties and yelling all sort of profanity that will make even your grandmother's cheeks flush. Lol. But for the sake of correcting that theory. If you kiss a BAD kisser (and I don't mean downtown street lingo as in 'baaad'... I'm talking uptown straight english downright 'terrible', he won't even get to second base, talk less of seeing the colour of your under-pants.

I remember filming in 2008 with a particular actor. He was playing my husband and was supposed to leave for a trip in a scene, naturally I was meant to give him a quick dry kiss on his lips...So I leaned in...Oh! Mbok! Big mistake! I swear, he stuck his tongue so deep, that 3 years later I was still walking like my womb had been dismembered as I could still feel the kiss in my uterus. In fact if saliva had spermatozoas, I would have been pregnant with octuplets instantly. Yes it was that bad (And let me not remember the silly director who went for take after take at my expense) Lol. Naturally, as an actor, I had to keep a professional calm and count the hours till wrap. But I couldn't help but wonder how the real women in his life must be coping.

Kissing for me, is an Art and As adults, it might be a good idea to know more than a teenager about PHILEMATOLOGY (the science/art of kissing):

Kissing is exercise. When we kiss, our hearts beat faster and our breathing becomes deep, mimicking exercise. Meaning that if done right, kissing can actually be a great workout, as a 60-second kiss burns more than 50 calories.

Kissing can be proper etiquette. In many European countries, it is proper etiquette to greet someone by kissing them on both cheeks.

Kissing raises self-esteem. Kissing signals our brain to produce hormones that makes us feel good. And it’s been proven that one kiss leads to another.

So, what’s the secret to a romantic kiss that will knock her proverbial socks off? Here’s what women say they’re looking for in a kiss:

Please Don't Give:

1) Sloppy, wet, and all over the place tongue smacking.
2) Your tongue shouldn't be all the way down her throat. What's it doing playing with her tonsils eh?
3) Thinking that kissing is the precursor to her giving you oral sex. Mba mba! Hell no!
4) Don't lick her mouth. That's just nasty. In fact forget all the tongue gymnastics. You are trying to communicate to her, not show off your talent. Its not the kissing olympics.
5) Fast jaw movements. Stop that! Guy, she doesn't want to be chewed on.
6) And please, please don't lick her face. You're not a puppy. And we are still yet to prove that 'saliva' is a better beauty product than the 'Revlons' and 'Neutrogena's' of this world.

Please-Do:

Start gently. Let your mouth wander as she allows, but pay attention to her responses. Light strokes on cheeks, neck, and back get extra points, as these areas are usually ignored (at least initially). At the beginning, a light caress on her face is definitely recommended, and should give way to a harder grip as kissing continues. Pause briefly to catch some air. Timing is everything. Start slowly, keep it light and feathery... and stay slow enough to watch for signs that encourage more rapid movement and advances. Kiss her lips, cheeks, eyelids, and neck — slowly until she can't handle it and begs you for more.

Have a Wonderful Wednesday Lovelies! Wet-Sloppy-Kisses! Muah!

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