Wednesday, 26 February 2014

My Crack On The Relationship Code!

I have seen a few young couples that have either been dating for 6-10 years or are even married that long...Who can swear down, that they love their partners or spouses...yet they don't know much about them. It makes me want to ask sometimes, "Do you LOVE them, more than you actually KNOW them?" Seems like an odd question, right? You'll understand when I share my epiphany.

Before you question the credibility of my current epiphany though. Let me first share a few things you don't know about me. I started reading at the age of 3, started working for my mom at the age of 11, I scribbled my first mini high school novel at 14, at some point I was promoted to sales supervisor at 18 aptly managing 22 other staffs (all much older than me), I tried to combine work and school, I learned how to drive a car in just 3 days by getting on the express road with danfo buses and bikes, I learned how to make chinese from secretly watching a male friend cook once for his guests, I taught myself how to bake, I found out how to set up and design a blog all by myself using a phone...I even learned how to break my own heart amongst many things...hahahah. Okay, I'm not trying to show off my silly mini accomplishments... All I'm saying in a nut shell is that I'm not a lazy learner and I've had my fair share of experiences to teach me a few lessons...and I only needed 6 months to truly burst the 'marriage bubble' and understand its myths...and a few years later crack the code!

When I ask if you love someone more than you know them...I'm not referring to whether you know his favourite food, her favourite colour, whether he likes to be called 'daddy' when he's spanking your ass, how many guys she's dry humped or bumped, if he was born an atheist, whether she suffered growing up as a child or if he was captain of his college football team. Lol. No!! I mean the real serious issues that plaques every real relationship and jeopardises 'growth' if not put in FOCUS.

Do you know what his or her Vision and Dreams are? Do you know their long term goals and short term goals? Do you know what their limitations and fears are? Do you know exactly what they are capable of doing or not doing to achieve their desires? Are you in full support of their dreams or are you the one holding them back from becoming an Achiever? Are they capable of manipulating or abusing your love or their power? Do you both have genuine common interests? Is he or she a mental time-bomb just waiting to happen? Are they violent, suicidal, obsessed or have any form of spiritual issues, health issues, insecurities or ADDICTION...be it sex, drugs, alcohol, porn, food or even a shopping addiction? Wonder why she puts on weight every time she fights with you? Or why he won't stop humping every pinky in skirts even after swearing he'll never cheat on you...why your credit/debit card is always red once you give it to her for a little treat or why he loves to stop by every day at that famous pub to make love to his 'HEINEKEN and GULDER' instead of spending time with you and the kids?

I can bet half of the world's population in any sort of romantic relationship rarely ask themselves these or even care to know. We focus so much on the butterflies in our stomach, the sweet phony love-tales, how the relationship affects our social status and how many of our friends or relatives are in support of the union.... Perhaps a bit of in-depth knowledge of your partner will help determine what exactly he or she will bring into the relationship/marriage and what you need to bring in as well to fully complement it. This relationship EPIPHANY hit me like an electric surge going off in my head...whilst trying to give my married friend the best little relationship advice imperfect me could conjure... And oh, you may thank me for it later.

Ever wondered why there are lots of break-ups, separation and divorce all over the world (Now, I would know right? Being a graduate of that particular institution...Hahahah). I think its probably because, "People tend to CHOOSE the most 'likely' person they can live with (TOLERATE)... Instead of choosing the most 'likely' person they CAN'T live WITHOUT (NEED)." Noticed I used the words 'most likely' simply because its not rocket science...Think about it, why will you fight to stay with someone you simply tolerate...or why choose to 'stay' with someone who let's you be COMPLACENT or someone whose absence won't really upset the equilibrium or balance of your life (except your ego of course...) because of their 'minimal' value?!

Few people LOVE based on VALUE, while most people love based on compatibility, temperament and sometimes even 'compromise'....And chances are if you run a compatibility test amongst your circle for marriage...you may find 5 possible candidates for you with the right temperament and all. And that's not to say these aren't important. But apart from CHARACTER nothing could be more important than the 'Value' one brings into a relationship (or partnership as I'll like to think of it) based on your own individual and collective NEEDS. Do a 'value' test on the same possible candidates and see if even one person makes it through. Aha! Why not? Well...Its simply impossible for someone to successfully and consistently add value to your life, if they truly don't know you well enough to know what you want or at least what you need.

A simple example: Those who love God, why do we love him? Maybe its mostly because we NEED him in our lives and we APPRECIATE the value that he brings to us, not necessarily because we are anything like him or even generically compatible with him in his infinite AWESOME-NESS. Still he is miraculously able to fulfill each of our numerous and diverse desires and needs...Why? Because he 'knows' each and every one of us, like there was only one of us. Now tell me why we wouldn't love him? I mean, just imagine your life without the PRESENCE of God in it...Huh? Well, I can't. Exactly!!! So its possible to fall out of love with someone you want...but its almost impossible to grow out of love with the 'person' you value and still NEED. Isn't that why some people still stay in certain marriages/relationships even after their partners have hurt them severally...because they are holding on to the value their partner represents...and those who leave, do so because the figure they have nothing 'concrete' to lose. Now maybe thats the approach we should take in choosing that SPECIAL someone...

What do they bring into the relationship or marriage other than their cute itsy-bitsy-size-8-self or the 6-pack-muscles and 9-inches of hard steel down below. Okay, so she knows every sex position and has read karma-sutra front to back, back to front...Ehen! He is an orphan who needs love or she is the presidents daughter, ni gba ye nko? He is a celebrity, she's a celebrity...what has that got to do with the prize of fish in the market? Lol. What value do they add to your life, that if they leave or God forbid, something ever happened to them...your world would crash so bad because they've become your anchor, your life support in the truest of ways.

I don't mean the kind of 'crash' that keeps you beating up yourself for not breaking up with him first...or why your ego is badly bruised because she's the only woman who ever dared to dump you and replace you with ignominy. I mean the kind of crash that keeps you appreciating the unique values that stand out cause you can't find it in someone else. That thing that clearly puts the spotlight on him or her and keeps you on your toes from doing anything to SABOTAGE the relationship you have.

Because if you can honestly picture your life 'without' the person you claim to LOVE the MOST, and still see yourself making all sorts of PROGRESS, without it being much of their imput...or can see yourself coping favourably without them, then maybe its a tell-tale SIGN that when shit suddenly hits the fan, there would be nothing tangible to fight for.

I am a living example of that TRUTH. So I ask you again, Do you love them, more than you know them? Feel free to share your thoughts. Have a Wonderful Wednesday Lovelies! Kisses!

Like ME On Facebook

BRAG Winter 2016

BRAG Winter 2016
Click To Get Your Copy..

Watch 'BETWEEN' Teaser Trailer

Watch 'BETWEEN' Teaser Trailer
Click To Watch First Official Trailer Starring Actress, Stella Damasus & Directed by Daniel Adenimokan

Follow My Posts On Facebook

Click To Partner With Me

Join My Support Community

Get The Naked Truth

Get The Naked Truth
A Witty Intimate Book That Offers Wisdom on Love, Life, Sex & Re-invention of Self

Catch My Radio Show Everywhere

Catch My Radio Show Everywhere
Click to Listen to The Best In Authentic Conversations

Get My NAKED Weekly

Get My NAKED Weekly
Click to Sign Up for My Weekly Updates & Monthly Love Letters

The Hair'volution Magazine

The Hair'volution Magazine
Give Your Hair A Voice

Read ME On Huffington Post

Read ME On Huffington Post
Click To Read New Articles There Every Monday

Find Out What People #AskAlex

Got A Question? #AskAlex

The Naked Talk Online Radio Show

Learn More About Me?

Learn More About Me?
Click To Visit My Official Website