Monday, 24 February 2014

Multiply....Or Be Disqualified!

Hey Lovelies, I know its Monday and I'm supposed to post my video diary for today. And whilst I had the perfect subject to share with you...I've been on lock down. Yes, I've been quite ill over the weekend. My Tonsilitis is back again and rather advanced...So whilst I can write, I may not be able to speak much till I'm done with my medication and feel better (or the other option would be to record a SILENT video) Hahahah. Anyway, I decided for my nice new friend "Whyte-Angel" who didn't get to hear all of it that night. I shall share with you, the PIECE that got booed off the stage. Please let me know if you think it should have gotten a LISTENING CHANCE...Lol. Here it is:

"I was talking to my close friend, Tinkerbell. Hahahah. Who names their child that! Well she is going to kill me for referring to her by the new pet name a crush gave her. Anyway, this is about my conversation with her concerning a new desire. Wait! My friend wanted to know if it was a good idea for her to get Artificial INSERMINATION. Whaaaaat?!! Seriously, that is usually a second option for women who've tried conceiving naturally without success. Wondering what would make a young beautiful woman to consider this method of conceiving a child, a first option? Well there are several reasons and its all tied to MEN!!! Isn't it nice that we can go some place, get SPERM in a cup and choose what RACE we want for our babies. In Tinkerbell's exact words. "I want a mixed race baby. Make that Half Latino-German-Brad Pitt-Somalian type". Hahahah. Well, allow me to cast my hopes not too high. I would simply just like a cocktail of all my EXES. It would be nice to pour them all in a cup and drink...ewww! But you know what I mean. Think about it, that awesome combination of all our exes best qualities ROLLED in one sperm and when that child grows up and says "mummy tell me about my father". We can just say "honey, your father is the most PERFECT man ever designed" and we won't be lying. Pheww! Its funny how men always think they are the only ones scared of 'baby mama' DRAMA...News flash! We are also scared of the 'baby daddy' drama too! In fact more scared than you can ever be. We have to put up with giving you the good news and watching you screw up your face like you just smelled baby poop, whilst we are still trying to come to terms with reality and the impending nine months journey down morning sickness, prenatal pills, fatigue, lower back pain, mood swings and drastic weight gain.

You think you are the only ones PARANOID about income and starting a family with someone from a dysfunctional family! Err...We worry about that too...Add having to pick baby names, decide which one of your crazy friends will be 'god parents' and hoping the child doesn't come out with a HEAD as big as yours. We are wondering if you will understand when we have mood swings, leak a FART when we laugh at your jokes, harass you for AMALA in the middle of the night, beg you to RUB down our feet, turn SEX down cos your baby is 'cramping' our style like hell, or if you'll still find us ATTRACTIVE when the bun is out and we are yet unable to burn that extra jiggly piece of FAT we acquired! We worry pass you. Let's not add stretch marks and your mother trying to impose that ugly choice of baby names on us, choose the hospital we should deliver in or the doctor who should stick his slimy HANDS between our thighs... Don't think it doesn't cross our minds that you may not be the 'right' one for us or that you fear you may not be FATHER material. We also have those fears too honey, considering we weren't born with a MANUAL on motherhood shoved in our COOCHIE. We just learn on the job. So why stress us with your "ooh-aah-no-can-do". No man ever died from becoming a father. We have to hear you say, "its not the right time, its not a good idea, you are not ready, we should wait a while or another bloody baby?" Kai! Na your bodi? Lol. Either way, it takes a toll on us. Some of us might be lucky to CONVINCE you that we can make this journey together through this desire of ours. Others may just put their foot down till you come around...and some might just take the high road...BLACKMAIL you or MANIPULATE you into agreeing...meanwhile there's the unlucky selfless ones who might have to commit a few murder aborting the pregnancies against their wish.

So even if you are jumping at the great news, rub our backs through the nine months course, go through the delivery and change a few diapers...How do we guarantee that ten years down the line, when your LOVE has faded and we have somehow unknowingly grown apart...You won't get up, run away with a new woman, leaving us deflated and alone to raise our kids by ourselves whilst you are making our lives MISERABLE with custody battles. Huh? How do we know you won't try to convince your family and the court that this new woman you have known a day would be a better mother to our own children even though we have done nothing but toil day and night trying to give our children the best. Well, I say pick a 'Ghanaian or Indian' man...that way, if they run away. You know you can always keep the child na. Its called Motherland theory! Yes ke! We have to FORNICATE if we are not married, tolerate you constantly poking us DOGGY style when all we want is to spoon you or at least be on top and have you enjoy us riding you for a change. Let's not talk about how you are able to get us pregnant FOUR times when you've only spent 20minutes inside us altogether in the four years we have been married. Lol. Talk about hard labour, no FOREPLAY, you are driving our seemingly dry patched wood for 45mins and then you CUM crying like a new born baby taking your sovernir in that little plastic bag you call a CONDOM, away with you. Dang!

Please don't blame the women's liberation movement or women empowerment programmes. You are to blame! And honestly the little VALUE we have for you is almost diminishing. We needed you for only 'two things', good SEX and to bear BABIES...and here you are making shakara hoarding your sperm. Yes we no say country hard. Don't you know we now have vibrators, dildos, electric tooth brushes and 100 reasons why it makes more sense to just buy sperm from the sperm banks? So what do we really NEED you for? We work and we earn a living, we cook our own food and can do our own LAUNDRY, in fact our girlfriends are the new 'husbands'. We can sit all evening watching "Gossip Girl" or "Real house wives of Atlanta" while trading deep SECRETS...things we really can't do with you anyway. So the way we see it, you need us more than we need you. Tell us, what are you going to do with all that sperm eh? You either have to put it in us or shoot it out to waste...one way or the other you have to get it out there. Would you rather find out your sperm ended up in malaysia or china...or 30 years down the road, that IT somehow fathered a child with an Afghanistan woman you never knew? Hian! You better not give us a reason to choose the cup option o. Grab that beautiful woman yearning to have a part of you, make mad love, put a BUN in her oven and do all you can to make her happy. Afterall the bible says "All ye go multiply!" Multiply or be disqualified! Wink!"

Have A Magnificent Monday Lovelies! Oh no! No Kisses Today (Don't want to Infect you with my tonsilitis...Lol) Alright! Hugz!

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