Sunday, 23 February 2014

Booed Off The Stage!

I'll start by indicating that there was no actual stage at this event...but it doesn't water down the effect of being shoo(ed) like a fly in the middle of a performance. Okay here's my account of what happened to me yesterday at the NOMORELOSS RELOADED gini gini... I had been invited to attend his event...and trust my business man friend to throw what looked like a chunky BONE at me the hungry dog. Hahahah. He was offering me a chance to network my blog and perhaps read some of my thoughts for the guests.

Trust this igbo girl to jump at the chance...ofcourse, I have always wanted to do recitals but more so it will be a chance to promote my Art as well as the blog. Ngwa nu...My mind did some advanced azonto and We 'mentally' shook hands on it. I quickly went through my archive looking for the perfect piece...Aha! I found it...I even sent invite to special friends and fans on FB.

Anyway, fast forward...I show up at the Brown's cafe...and firstly, all I'm thinking is... Whaaat? the place is bloody small and absolutely wrong for such an event...err but ofcourse I dare not say it to anyone. It was just a private Tet-a-tete with myself. I see the host performing, right after some other guy did his guitar magic (oh I actually liked him...even though I didn't miss the fact that the crowd couldn't be 'bothered' about this rather talented soul singer)...Ehen! My Antennas went up...First warning bell...Ding Dong! How many times did Oga Nomoreloss have to beg the crowd to clap. I mean, common na! See people bursting their behinds to entertain them...Ehen kini? So I had met the host and told him, I wanted to leave soon...Why? Well, I had very sore tonsils and a bad toothache...Let's not add the part where I felt out of place. Lol. I mean I spotted one, two, three...okay make it 7 familiar faces. And err...the rest...hmm...(no be me go tell you who wear dorti dross oh) Well I felt like a 'sorority' queen in the room full of 'quirkies'...and not in a good way.

Three guys go up front, and grab the mic, one of which was Omobaba the comedian...okay, no disrespect. I know of him in passing simply because its important for me to kinda know those within the Entertainment industry by name...but I never hear one joke before. No lie! I'm pretty much a novice when it comes down to fingering Nigerian comedians and footballers (get your minds out the gutter please. I meant 'pointing' out) Ehen...except for the few who are personal friends. Anyway, they start to prank on stage and do a medley of nursery rhymes...(For someone like me, who doesn't go to comedy shows...I can swear I've seen this act before somewhere joor). Anyway, someone goes up does a fuji version of yoruba nursery rhymes and the house goes AGOG. Yes oh! The crowd finally woke up from slumber...You'll think Michael Jackson came back from the dead for that final show "THIS IS IT!"...well, the silly pranking went on for about 45 minutes...and 95% of it was in yoruba.

I was innately grateful to my parents for giving birth to me in LAGOS or for my 2 years in Federal Government Girls College Akure and the small shakara yoruba my tomato seller uses to communicate to me...or how I for understand the madness going on here, eh? Anyway, my instincts kept tugging at me...as I sat quietly. Warning Bell, No 2! Now irritated at how long the pranking had dragged on for, as another young comedian grabbed the mic and went on his private wander at our expense...Now! I was highly irritated but as a self-respecting audience, there was no way I could join the choir clearly singing a loud protest at him to leave the mic. Ha! This is simply rude and uncouth na. At least, allow the person to fool himself finish or just walk away. But don't curse him off stage. Warning Bell, No 3! That's the exact point, I felt like the Host a.k.a Mc no longer had any control on his event. It was all 'rofo-rofo'...a free-for-all sort of market. Anyway, dem boo the guy comot for stage sha...there and then, I knew it was a bad idea for anyone to even try to compete with the 'ATMOSPHERE' the pranking trio had set...before I could even finish analysing my thoughts...BOOM! Nomoreloss announces my name...oh! Let's not talk about the shoddy intro...where I'm his fellow blogger as we are now all blogging because of hunger... Lol. Err...Dude, the only thing I'm hungry for is SUCCESS and I didn't hear an intro that even remotely resembled the letter 'S'...or is it the part where he screws up the name of my blog...he says its called "Naked Thoughts"...Err again bro...no, its not! What happened to the part where "Alexandra" was... N'... her naked thoughts? Do you get it now?! Hahahah.

So ofcourse, the lecherous old men and sex starved women there started cooing. "Naked? As in Naked?...Is she really Naked?" Okay...thank God for this opportunity, I can now correct this blasphemy, once and for all. Please and please my people, don't ever picture me strutting down towards you in a sheer two piece bikini with 8 inches heels and a whip, with my voice purring some half baked sexy thoughts to turn you on. MBA!!! That's not what my naked thoughts are about? I say NAKED as in "Bare, Transparent, Open, Revealing, Sincere and Honest" Thoughts....not naked as in 'raunchy'...Now, if it somehow comes of as raunchy, then its because its the honest revealing way in which the subject comes to my mind. Get it now?! Corrrrrrect!!!

So I introduce myself to the rather unfriendly crowd...oh! I haven't even started reading and the jabs were coming...there was noise and rancor and I couldn't even hear myself speak...imagine trying to read 'poetry' or 'spoken words' to the traders at idumota or alaba. Don't get me wrong...I'm not trying to call them crass or razz...or bush... But their attention span is that of the average 2 year old toddler. Some of them already high on henessy and whatever other brand of alcohol they had stuffed themselves with...They needed more comedy, more laughter and the host invited this 'intellectual naked woman' with no 'sexy' going on to come and speak english...abeg shooo!! Infact the two ladies on the first table kept going on about how my piece was two serious? Hmmm! I needed to lighten up...wait o! I have only read two lines...and you already know that? Infact, when has Alex ever written anything that was too serious? If only they had shut their kwe-kwe mouth long enough to listen, they might have learned a thing or two...

Now I almost walked off the 'proverbial' stage...but as a professional, I kept my STILL and kept reading...silently wishing I was wearing my 8 inches...so I could knock the heels on their heads. Yes o! Na small remain before I comot bra and pant for that silly man on the right...Hian! "Be more sexy na" ...See his kpomo mouth! Olodo! "Make us laugh na. Its too dry" Err...Nna biko chere kwa! I si na'm dry kwa? Chai!...Where is my bag of pure water. Let me stone this bush people. See me standing here like "point and kill" for their benefit...and they are talking rubbish. Jeez! I'm not a comedian. I'm not here to even make you laugh...I'm here to make you THINK!! To provoke your thoughts...now how people miss the "THOUGHTS" in my brand name and focus on just the "NAKED" beats me every time. Lol. if I communicate 'honestly' and make you laugh in the process...That one na jara o!

Anyway, I spot Soultry singer 'Mor' trying to calm them down to even listen to me...Hahahah. How na? Poor lady. She wanted them to hear what she gets to read everyday on this blog...but even that was exercise in futility. Thanks MOR, I noticed! Thanks for trying to help. I appreciate it. Anyway, I realised there was no point wasting my beautiful intellectual piece on a bunch of tipsy people. I was simply in the wrong place. Now, let me be a little sweet and make a small excuse for this crowd...Its the Host's fault...You don't arrange something as intellectual as my 'thoughts' to go right after the fuji akpala comedians jesting. Its kinda like pouring ice cubes on an erect penis...Lol. I literally took them from a high to a low. You feel me abi? Anyway, I made one or two attempts at trying to clone my thoughts for their benefits...BAD MISTAKE...one man wanted me to talk about SEX! Ha!

Again not wanting to walk away defeated. I gave them a washed down ORAL take on one of my blog pieces, "THE ART OF KISSING"...Now I don't know if they bought it...but I didn't care anymore cos even I myself, didn't buy the mumbo-jumbo I was now spitting. All I wanted was to wrap up this SHIT as professionally and classy as I walked up there. Gave them the address to my blog, tag it as an experience and bounce the hell out. One lady walked up to me as I was leaving, introduced herself...and said all I was saying made a lot of sense to her...and she was really enjoying my piece and wanted to hear more. So I shouldn't be disheartened by the crass crowd. She wanted my blog address and BB pin. I gave her and was happy for the comforting words. Actually, I'm more than happy for the sad experience because I was able to get one more blog reader who might have never heard of my blog. So to all those who boo-booed me off stage. I say! Your Poo-Poo STINKS!!! Hahaha!

Have An Amazing Sunday Lovelies! Kisses!

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