Friday, 31 January 2014

What Do Men Want?!

I spent 2 hours on the phone listening to my friend RANT off about her good-for-nothing beau. Yes! I call him that because I'm the one who keeps calming, reassuring and reminding her of how valuable, strong and precious she is, when I'm not even the 'man' who's SCREWING her and enslaving her with false proclamation of LOVE. Yes! He is good for nothing in my books. Now madam-friend wants me to give her my recipe for 'ofe-nsala' aka 'white soup' to make for Oga Boyfriend whom she found out slept with her neighbour, he claimed was die hard SEXIER, got miss friendy and neighbour pregnant, drove friendy away and now wants her back when he's still shagging her cousin and err...is yet to DIVORCE his 'so called' ex wife. Still she wants to cook him a 'make up' meal when she should be serving him a break up deal. Shuo! The guy doesn't know what he wants. And even if he did, he sure doesn't DESERVE her, yet she's working very hard to PLEASE him.

It reminds me of a comment an Aunt passed once at a family function saying that my mom and I are great hostesses seeing that we aptly managed a number of very confused, difficult and self absorbed house guests at our last family cook out. My INTERPRETATION of that statement is simple...Hmm...A good hostess is a PLEASER! So if you are a pleaser like us or my silly friendy I'm so dying to knock on the head (forgive me dear but you deserve it)...This pertinent question may have crossed your mind numerous times. "What do men really want?" Hahahah. I don't think they have any idea!

Please believe that this isn't an attack on men but an open medium for conversation. I'm sure they even ask themselves the same question "What do I want?" Picture a woman meeting a nice looking man, they have great conversation, get to know each other and start a RELATIONSHIP. She thinks he may be somewhat opinionated, maybe a little rigid, probably has bad taste in music and can't really pronounce the letter 'R' but she's willing to overlook his weaknesses. He thinks she's beautiful, intelligent, enterprising, hard-working, kind hearted, a great LOVER in bed, a superb cook et all but starts to think because she refuses to become a pushover, expresses her opinions way too often or maybe has a bit of a TEMPER, it now becomes a huge dent in her character.

He wants you to be skinny yet have gigantic buttocks and boobies like NICKI MINAJ, when infact hers aren't real and he doesn't even have the money to pay for cosmetic surgery...
And even if he does pay, there's no guarantee that he will stay with you. When you move on to the next man he wants you to look like JESSICA ALBA. They like you slim, full figured, short, tall, dark, lighter, strong, weak, experienced, inexperienced. Dude, what the hell do you want? One likes fish, the other doesn't eat meat, he loves garlic, he can't stand onions, he loves pepper, doesn't eat salt. Seriously? How are we even supposed to keep up? He claims he's into dark skin women but he is screwing the yellow paw-paw' lady down his block. He likes short hair, no wait a minute...I meant, he loves long hair. We are taking slimming pills and going on fad diets just so we can please you. Yet we are doing a terrible job because you don't even know what you WANT.

We are wearing padded under pants, padded bras, dying our hair, fixing artificial nails, false lashes, BLEACHING our skins and wearing body magic. I'm sorry honey, but we are not doing this for ourselves or for other women we come across. We are doing this to keep up with your ever changing needs...and your ever wandering eyes Lol. I thought we are supposed to KISS a couple of frogs before we meet prince charming but it seems women will have to screw the entire POND before we even catch a glimpse of him. Lol.

Being in a relationship or being MARRIED doesn't exclude your man. Darling your man doesn't know what he wants...You ask him to choose between you and another lover. He chooses her, you move on to someone else and then he realises he wants you back. Guy how far na?! He says he loves you today but then you have a fight and all of a sudden he realises he still loves his ex or rather he is confused about you and the sexy lady he just met yesterday. He says he wants you to be yourself and then he keeps hinting at things he would love you to change...And women are supposed to be the COMPLICATED sex, right? He is allowed to have a long sexual history but expects to be your 'first' and still wants you to come in armed with all the many ways to please him in bed. How are we supposed to even know that, if we don't pass through the BEDS of several men *wink. Isn't there some sort of a double standard here? You say we are a better lover than your ex but when we are having sex why are you imagining you are screwing your ex. Dang! He wants to be with you, no he wants his space.

Mehn! I love men, but it would be so much easier if you just communicated to us your feelings and your needs. Instead of expecting us to read your mind and then berate us later for constantly assuming on your behalf. Need I remind you that 'DIALOGUE' is for adults, so stop ignoring us cos if you heard us the first time around, we won't have to nag you silly. Its supposed to be a man's world right? yet there are more women in it. What a laugh!

She tolerates your sister, your mother might just be that incorrigible menace, We pretend to enjoy 'champions league', can't you even let us watch "keeping up with kadashians" even though we both think its silly. She knows her breasts are sagging after breastfeeding your babies but you said she's still beautiful so why are you texting your neighbour that you love her firm double Ds. She doesn't mind your big beer belly, your ugly toe nails, your twisted hairy chest or your sagging dick. Infact its what makes you different. What makes you different makes you beautiful. Ehen!!! Don't call your woman GORGEOUS and SEXY and refer to that absolutely ugly irritating colleague of yours as gorgeous and sexy too. Common na, how can every woman be gorgeous? Duh! You want a STRONG woman who can run a home and support you when the chips are down but then you claim she's too strong cos she promises to return the slap if you hit her one more time. You compare her temperament to another woman because you can't handle someone telling you like it is. You wanted her to be a housewife but you compare her to her mates on the COVER of magazines. She's too quiet, you say she's boring and doesn't have an opinion. She loves to party just like you, you say she's wild. She gets drunk for the first time in 32years of marriage and you say she's a bad example to the kids forgetting the number of times you begged her to even taste whisky against her wish.

You say women NAG you but you have no idea, half the things they stomach quietly. You hurt her and broke her heart but you are quick to tell your friends that she's a DRAMA queen. You don't want a baby but you refuse to use a CONDOM, she let's you have your way then you claim she must be doing so with other men. So she says crazy things to you when she's mad but she never leaves you anyway. I thought all men shared the same manual...but it seems like we are going to lose our minds trying to TAILOR ourselves to their ever changing needs.Why is that when you are talking to your guy pal on the phone, you yell on top of your voice "padi mi, how far na?" But when you are talking to your so called female friend, you are whispering like its a matter of NATIONAL SECURITY. We know all your antics and we just put up with you not because we can't walk away but we hold on to that tiny fragment of good that we still see in you. Yes!

If we don't share details with you, you say we are secretive...we don't trust you. Then we tell you everything, you use it against us...too much info, we lose our MYSTERY before you. (Its called see finish) Then you want the new lady who just slipped her complimentary card in your pocket. She's fresh, mysterious. Ah! Egba mi! You want us back, but we hear you are still sleeping with 5 other women including that one you know I can't stand...Dude, we left you for a reason...No! Don't tell us its nothing but just SEX. Well, would you understand its nothing but just sex for us, if we did the same? No! No! No! Don't come CRYING to our mothers that you are now a CHANGED man and you are now ready to marry us. Heheheh! We women know how this works...yes the fake tears. You USE them on us too. We all know damn well you are never going to change. You won't even accept you have a PROBLEM in the first place. My friend go get a divorce first, you are still married...and last we checked, you still live with your WIFEY. Oh! we are sorry! You are the SINGLE one! You buy us a RING, we tell the entire family n friends, day is drawing near and now you are confused. Excuse me but what are you confused about? Wasn't it you tucked in deep in our sweet honey pot whispering WILD beautiful melodies of how you want us to be an integral part of your life, your wife, the mother of your KIDS? Now you are confused, oh lord, even we are confused. Wasn't it you?

Oh here comes our brother divorced with two kids but asking us to convince our model friend to marry him yet he insists, that we settle for that Ugly Alhaji who can't even speak a word of ENGLISH... because he believes no good man will marry a single parent like us. REALLY? You want no strings attached but you expect us to cook for you after warming your bed. HEY! Are we running a bed and breakfast here? Lol. You say when women say no they mean YES...atleast you know what we mean. We can't say the same for you because We have no incline whether you mean yes, no or maybe! We think we are having the perfect marriage with you, 15 years of awesome time but you have spent 10years of that in a committed relationship with another man! Bros, what do you want? Do you like men or do you like women? Or do you like men to think you like women, when you are secretly thinking of men? How can you love us and love 5 other women too when we are nothing alike? How can you run 2 seperate homes, 3 relationships and pretend its not driving you crazy. You don't want to confide in us, but you are willing to confide in that 5 BUCKS a night hooker who's also screwing your BOSS. You want us to tell you that you are the only ONE when infact you know we are finding it difficult to give ourselves to you cos we know that we are not your only one.

Isn't it funny that you CHEAT on the one you don't want to 'LOSE' with the one you don't want to 'KEEP'. Guy, where is your brain na? Seriously, it takes a Real Woman to Love a Man. Simple words but very profound and deep, if you know what that truly means. Hence my theory that men are more COMPLEX than women. How about you sort yourself out before you complicate our already not so funny existence. This is not a comparison between men and women. We are just saying, you are NOT as 'simple or easy' to please as you think or would like us to BELIEVE. So cut us some slack and give us a huge pat on the ASS. You won't be half as TOLERANT if we had to poke you and all the men around while you got tales of our sexcapades, bear our babies, cook our meals, clean our homes and watch us lie to you on a regular. But then again, what do we know...Women are pleasers...So please remind me again "Biko...What is it that MEN really want?"

Have a Fantastic Friday Lovelies!

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